I have a major confession to make.
I buy my pumpkins at the supermarket.
With no kids around.
I just load up my cart with 3 or 4 or 5 pumpkins (depending on the amount of children in my household that year), pay $4 for each one, and drive them home.
They pick out which one they want (no fights allowed) and I'm done.
Did you picture me frolicking in pumpkin patches? My kids in matching outfits, stopping for cider on the way back in from the hay wagon, eating caramel apples and donuts?
Think again.
Think again.
I used to do that stuff.
Then I got smart.
Actually, I just got to know myself better. And I stopped buying into that "picture" of fun, happiness and family memories. That ideal "Family Fun" time that we all feel a need to accomplish on certain weekends. We all know it doesn't just end with that pumpkin patch...there are hundreds of things we can choose this day and age...holiday traditions, parties galore, museums, zoos, exhibits, "educational" opportunities, amusement parks...your children must not miss these things!!!....you know what I'm talking about, I'm sure.
I found that these outings were stressful to me. I would sweat like crazy no matter what the temperature or how many extra deodorant applications. Jeff and I would end up snapping at each other about the stupidest things....an infant crying, the stroller not opening, a toddler darting in front of something with wheels or hooves. I'd sweat, he wouldn't notice the hoofs and wheels, and the kids would come home exhausted and hungry. (Ever see an episode of Jon and Katie + 8 where they'd drag those little kids everywhere? Should I say more?) Half the time I wondered if we were torturing the sweet little guys for our own fulfillment...the little square on the checklist getting ticked off...yep, we accomplished parenting duty #456, annual visit to the apple orchard. Christmas Santa Train 2007. Check. Easter Egg Hunt Bonanza. Check. Disney Before It's Too Late. Check.
One day, at a visit to our local zoo, I happened to look around and noticed lots of adults trying to act like they were having fun (and maybe they were?) and I also noticed lots of their kids crying, whining, thirsty, tired, sweaty, just plain unhappy. Not looking at animals, not learning, not bonding...just begging for souvenir sized Mountain Dews.
And I thought...We Are All Fools.
And I went home.
And I went home.
And my kids didn't care.
They played with sticks in the back yard, or built strange Lego spaceships, or took naps.
Now don't get me wrong...I do think it's nice to get out at as a family and have fun together someplace besides our back yard. Jeff drags me places and we all end up having a great time. The kids talk about it forever and it does make a great family memory, or starts a tradition we all look forward to.
But I pick and choose carefully.
I do not ever feel guilty about just staying home, saying no, and skipping out.
I do not concede to this new pressure of "memory making" ...a sign of our rushed and busy lifestyles.
And anyways, you know the best childhood memories...
a parent's undivided attention.
Simple enough. Free, no traveling required, and no Mountain Dew involved.
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44 comments:
Boy, can I relate to this post. Not only to I have the Mommy Guilt to produce these perfect events, then I feel guilty if I don't document it all with photographs and words in a perfect book. Thanks for making me feel better.
I'm starting to get nervous about baby #3 ha! You see, I often drag my kids to the zoo (it's just a few blocks away and we have a membership) on Saturdays, because they can run, run, run without me having to worry about traffic. They come home and eat a huge lunch and then take a good nap. Same thing with the playground/park - they're burning off energy without trashing the house. Early Saturday mornings we go to the Farmer's Market - for me it's grocery shopping, for them it's a chance to get outside and see a one man band (and again, it wears them out). When it's raining or cold, we often stop at the library - it lets me read to them without having to read Hop on Pop for the billionth time. But my husband usually works on Saturdays, so I drag them all over the place by myself and it's never been an issue... now, with three kids and two hands, I'm starting to wonder whether I'll be sweating and snappy - Kate Gosslin style - when we go out in public. I'm a sucker for holiday traditions - and I admit, I look forward to the pumpkin patch and the Christmas tree farm probably more than the kids do. But again, we've never been outnumbered by kids before. We'll see if I follow your lead on this one when #3 comes along...
love it, yet again.
I must admit to be tempted at WALMART the other day. I may grab a few, but I STILL hope to sneak in that pumpkin patch or cornfield visit. YES, I am one of those who drags my children for memory sake. That, and I usually end up with a few good pictures ;)
STILL, I absolutely KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!
Vera, it sounds like your outings work out well! Find a wrap that works and strap that baby #3 on!
Sarah, I do the same thing with the pumpkin--they are at the grocery store now for $4 each and they look great. I'm too practical to spend more than that on one.
Amen.
Maybe it's a number of kids thing? I like to think that I've always had this wisdom, but I know that it wasn't something that truly sunk in until I had my middle child (#3). My oldest was three and a half. HA! Forget pumpkin patches - I don't even have time to put on a bra, much less sip cider.
Okay, I really love this post!!! I think these "things" that American families do, have become so high-school-peer-pressure-ish. I believe that it's bad for parents, and in the end, makes kids who are always looking for the next big event. Staying home and playing and imagining and working...is becoming extinct in North America. Thanks for writing this.
Sarah, THANK YOU for putting this into words. I have totally falled victim to that pressure. And I can't tell you the guilt I put myself through because we haven't made those "perfect" family memories. And you are exactly right - I'm such a perfectionist that I want every little thing to look like it's "supposed to" and I end up fighting with my husband and then the kids get irritated and it ends up not going well at all. Thank you for letting me know the I'm not alone.
Not that you are giving me permission but it's nice to know it's ok if I'm not living up to "perfection"!!! :)
Can I just add my thank you? You've lifted a huge weight from my shoulders.
Is it weird that I have never felt peer pressured into doing any of those things? I like to do some of them, sometimes, and when I don't like to do it, we don't. Where does this pressure come from? Maybe it helps that I live out in the boonies? Very interesting post and I also enjoyed reading all the comments. And you're all one step ahead of me - I haven't even looked at a pumpkin or a mum yet.
Great post Sarah! I think my husband and I worked too much when our older two were little that we missed out on things like the pumpkin patch. Even now, with sports and my school, and work and stuff, we are pretty busy... but I am trying to make time to do fun things on the weekend, for the kids sake as much as my own. I had them sit down at the beginning of the year and each pick 12 things they would like to do this year that cost little to no money. So far, we've gone on several day trips with a picnic basket, fishing, hiking, etc... and have plans for a few more "commercial" items, such as the Oktoberfest, Hay Ride, and Christmas caroling! But, you are right, when it no longer is "fun" (aka, sweating, yelling, crying)... we will stop and spend quality time at home just hanging out! I enjoy making memories, and documenting them...not for anyone else, or an image, but because I want my grandchildren to have something to see someday.
I relate too, although I think I will keep doing them, but on my terms. You are a wise one Miss Sarah. You should have wrote the book Confessions of a Slacker Mom. Have you read it? you remind me of her in a good way.
It's all about the expectations.
We had a relative whose Christmas was always ruined b/c for some reason, they expected the children to magically act better then than how they always behaved.
Keep those expectations in bounds and you'll be fine.
We didn't do this stuff when I was a kid- school carnival was about the limit- and we were fine.
An excellent and wise post.
@ Vera--what Michele said! I think the message is: do what works for you. Don't feel pressured to do more, or less.
And Sarah, you're exactly right about so many things. Bless you!
I agree wholeheartedly with everything you said!! Everything today is OVER THE TOP! Why? Is it beacuse we have the discretionary income?
There is the sports team party, family party, friends birthday party, seasonal party, back to school party... and that is just this weekend!
I say no to half of these things, and MOMS, yes MOTHERS go up to my kids and ask "why can't you come to Bobby's Halloween Party.. or Bobby's Trip to the WaterPark cause kids need a break Party!" They are hurt my kids won't join in on the "fun".
My feeling is we have a bunch of educated, motivated mothers with energy (and nothing else to do) so they dream up these events (whatever they may be) to make themeselves feel better about giving up their careers to stay at home!!
I wish we could channel all that creative energy of mom's to feed the hungry..
AMEN Sistah!!!
I'm right there with ya! I had that A-Ha! moment a couple years ago when we were trudging through the snow looking for the "perfect" Christmas tree to chop down. UGH! It was SO not pretty. No more. Now we relax and enjoy all the little moments in the ways that are fun for us.
Thanks for sharing all your honest wisdom. I love it!
Haaaa. Why is it we feel so much pressure to capture the perfect Kodak moment and create the perfect memory? This struck a chord with me because we took our kids to Disneyland in 2006. They were 5 and 3-it was so far out of our budget yet we made the sacrifice "while the magic was still there." Yes, we actually fell for that one. And guess what? The younger one HATED EVERY SINGLE RIDE. I have more pictures of her crying than not. They both really did get a charge out of the princesses, for sure, but was that worth the near 3K? (Notsomuch)
One of my favorite pictures of them was when my youngest was 6 months and my oldest was 2. They are bawling their eyes out in a stroller at the zoo-hot, tired, exhausted. One of many times my husband and I looked at each other and thought, what the heck are we doing?????????
BTW, we went to the pumpkin patch a few times when the kids were very little and 1) they were overwhelmed by the volume, and 2) the cost nearly set me off, so no more.
I was certainly not doing these things out of guilt about staying home. Hardly. My parents were poor as dirt yet they managed to drag us to Disney when we were little (camping at KOAs along the way)...I say it was a trap of creating perfect memories, that I have since realized can come out playing in leaves and baking cookies. Kids really are simple at heart.
Thank you for saying this. (And the pumpkins are bigger and cheaper at the grocery store - better for carving.)
This is SO true! And those pumpkins at the patch are WAY too expensive! I can't believe what they charge for one pumpkin!
You are a fountain of wisdom Sarah. Ever thought about writing books? One day when your kids are older? I would buy them all.
so true! just today a friend asked if i wanted to go to the zoo. i passed. and my kids didn't care. they are happily playing in the basement, out of the 96 degree heat.
I had to laugh when reading this "Did you picture me frolicking in pumpkin patches? My kids in matching outfits, stopping for cider on the way back in from the hay wagon, eating caramel apples and donuts?" Umm....no way. I've been reading your blog for about a year now and know all too well that that would be too stressfull for you.
Great points. I am one of the rare people that do enjoy these types of outings. But, I plan ahead. I, too, buy my pumpkins at the grocery and then we go to the farms for fun and pics. Easy peezy.
So true. And that's why we don't have any pics with Santa or the Easter Bunny. My 2 yr old is petrified of them, so why bother?
We do go to the pumpkin patch just for the fun of seeing the animals at the petting zoo and pigging out on kettle corn. I go to Home Depot buy pumpkins later.
I'll also confess I buy the pumpkins myself because my inner control freak likes them to "go" together nicely on our front steps. Haha.
I always wondered how some moms write about how wonderful their adventures are with the kids behaving so perfectly and when I think back on outings, they were stressful at times. I mean, sometimes they were perfect, but other times just so stressful I always thought it was something I was doing wrong. I too am ALWAYS hot when we do things and sweating and need to really take deep breaths hoping and praying that this will be a happy memory.
Thanks for being honest with us all!!!
I can't tell you how much I love you for pointing this out, someone that feel the same way I do! Thank You!
You are so awesome! We tried the pumpkin patch thing last year and I was stressed out the whole time. And because it's in the middle of nowhere we all left hungry..cider can only get you so far. I'll be doing the grocery store route myself this year too.
I just wanted to add that I too relate to this post in SO many ways!! After reading a few of the other comments I realized how much my life has changed in the past year for the better. I'll explain. When I got married my husband worked with all (about 9) of his college buddies. So we hung with them, and when they all started having babies, we had babies. We we're pretty much all pregnant together (the wives of all these buddies I mean). Then came all the playdates, and b-day parties, trips to every where you could imagaine. Then the company went out of business. All of our friends moved away. At first it was hard. Now though, I can say that I really enjoy my days with my children more. No more pressure to make it to all the b-day parties (to throw the best party too!), playdates, and sign up to every other event just b/c all the other kids are too. Don't get me wrong. We miss our friends (most of them) and miss watching our kids grow up together. However, it's nice to do our own thing. Which I have been doing a lot of lately and didn't realize it until I read this post! This post was great by the way!!
Wonderful post!
You are so right. Smart words from an even smarter Mom!
I am just wanted to say thati am also related to this stuff. After read your post I realized that I did some few mistakes with my past life to my children but now i am understand the importance of that life.
This is beautiful!!
We DO the pumpkin patch and apple orchard stuff, because we all love it. But for the exact same reasons you described, my kids don't do any sports or extra-curricular activities.
Once in a blue moon I feel guilty about it, but generally I know that we have a much more calm and sane life than many of our friends who are constantly sweating and running around like mad.
I love you! Its a simple as that! You say what I think and I read you everyday, thank-you.
Yes! Sometimes I feel like that too and getting to live in Japan can make it worse at times..... the sun is out!!!! we must find something to do, sometimes it is just easier to do nothing :) but the sun is out... so GO!GO!GO! I think I forget that we are living here for 3 years :) and lived in Okinawa for 5 years before that so we have seen alot!
I love this post! I can totally relate. I have 4 kids, 5-13 and outings like those can definitely be a headache. I was actually stressing a bit the other day trying to find a time to go pumpkin picking in between soccer games! I might just get them at the supermarket too this year!
This is a fantastic post. I pick and choose and most of the time I don't feel one bit guilty. I more often than not buy my pumpkins at the grocery. Why pay $20.00 for a pumpkin I can pay $5.00 for? We do have some traditions that we love, but that's just it---we all love them. I do find it easier now that my kids are older too.
Thanks again for a great post. Very timely also with the holidays coming way too fast.
I love this post!
My confession...I've never had a "friends" birthday party for my twins. We do family parties. No goody bags and pinatas for us. I know....I'm probably the only mom in blogland who has never had one. I'm ok with that ;)
Year One: must pose precious baby on pumpkins at patch.
Year Two: Need to capture precious baby walking and pushing pumpkins at patch.
Year Three: Must I drag newborn to pumpkin patch with toddler?
Year Four: Dear God, how many distractions from the local pumpkin patch can I invent?
Year Five: Always purchase pumpkins at local grocery store. Except for those extra large white ones. And I make the trip to the patch - by myself.
Love this post.
I just love following a link and finding a new mommy hero. I still consider myself a new mom and still find myself with visions of what things are supposed to be like and while I will still be attempting many events with all three of my three (3 & under) in tow. I dont sweat the small stuff, I leave when the time is right and I reserve the right to do it all again on my own should the need arise. This is my first summer home with my kids (I'm former military) and I have recently found your secret, my kids are happier when we're at home just being together.
I asked my 2 year old what she wanted to do tomorrow and she said, Go for a walk - our new favorite activity - walking around the neighborhood. I love it, they love it, we're not spending anything and we're ALL TOGETHER and isnt that all that really matters?
I can tell from this post, I'll be stopping in from time to time to learn a few more lessons on being mom.
Thanks
I am new here, but I love this post! I live among the cornfields of central Illinois and we have a VERY large orchard near us that is really more like an agricultural Disney World. People come from literally all over the central part of our state to come to this orchard and all the extras that come with it, including miles of pumpkins. Today, my nineteen year old son, who works there, called me when he got to work and told me the traffic was backed up on the highway for TWO MILES just to get into the orchard, and then they were only letting people go into the buildings and outdoor areas a little at a time because it was at capacity....all this to say, I think you're right on track with this post. I love going on a fun outing as much as the next person, but something somehow seems wrong when something as simple as apples and pumpkins gets turned into an extreme, expensive, stress-producing event. What are people really looking for when they go to places like this, and they're one of THOUSANDS(!!) there? I think they're trying to buy memories, and buy a sense of togetherness and simplicity, but it's nuts. My son said that almost 4,500 people visited the apple orchard today....it all just stuns me. Anyway, great post. I'll be back!
Sue
This post is pure genius. I loved the last paragraph about undivided attention. It's the simple truth for sure.
So smart. So funny. So RIGHT!
Some of our pumpkins were freebies, my husband brought them home from someone who had given them to him at a job (he's a Dish installer). I bought 4 more for $1 on a trailer on the side of the road. Are they the perfect Cinderella pumpkins I had in my head? No. Were the kids happy just the same? Absolutely.
Loved this post!
Since I only have one child and my husband is deployed military we love to go out and consider it essential for our sanity and to get both of us some much needed social contact, but we do things we really enjoy not the "must have" packaged kodak moments. As another commenter mentioned the zoo is a favorite for us because my son can run to his hearts content there and be a bit loud without bothering people. But if he wants to look at the ducks instead of the hippos, I'm just fine with that. I see so many people rush their kids through the experience and get annoyed if the kids aren't looking at the "right things". People need to slow down.
As for the pumpkin patch phenomenon - I think we are too busy to have authentic experiences these days so people try to buy them. There's no time to garden or take a week to visit uncle Bob on the farm so the drive-by pumpkin patch (complete with picture perfect outfit and framed photo) will have to do. $20 for a pumpkin? Crazy!
I absolutely agree that attention is the important thing - whether you stay in or go out. No amount of color coordination or careful scrapbooking is going to make up for a parent's time and attention.
Thank you! I totally agree! Friends think I'm weird that I don't take my kids to the mall to see Santa and to all the other places people drag their kids. But you know what? They always say I'm "brave" for taking them all to the store w/ me. Why is that?
Okay, Chick - I went to the pumpkin patch with my kids - boy, 4 girl, 8 -
Usually the school hauls them up there to the farm - this year, we swore up and down - plus a rain dance - that we (mom AND dad) would take them to capture memories - Thanks be to GOD that we did it, and lived to talk about it!
It was the best ever - no regrets and my kids are proud of their selections! Farm animals, bunnies, pumpkin launch, hayrides that yield hayfever, fresh cider, corn maze - and ANY pumpkin per person off the vine - The experience was priceless and I feel lik the perfect do-gooder mom that all the other moms envy! (okay, sidebar: I'm a career mama that needed that pat on the back - and who was tired of hearing her SAHM friends brag about making memories during the day with their kids, while I'm off in conference meetings all day - SAHM be nice to us work outiside the home sisters please - we are on double duty and we are ALL in this biz together!) Keep in mind, there are no perfect mothers! :) Great post!
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