Recently I was admiring a cousin of mine who made the decision to stay home with her sweet little babies. She told me that, because of the loss of the double income they had before children, it was tough being SO financially careful, but at the same time, she knew it was really important to be home all day with her children. One day a friend happened to come by and said something to her that really bugged her. She said, "You are so LUCKY that you get to stay at home." This friend worked, and her kids were in daycare and/or grandparent's houses. This friend ALSO lived in a brand new expensive house, drove a new car and had "nice" stuff. Meaning "stuff" that wasn't just the stuff you accumulate "pre-baby", and could not afford "post-baby". My cousin just kind of mentioned that it bugged her that her friend dismissed her choice as "luck", thereby dismissing her own ability to make a choice between her material things and being at home. I told her that the same thing had happened to me numerous times and it just didn't BUG me, it really pissed me off...but she's nicer (and younger) than me.
Here's WHY:
The word "LUCK" is used in the wrong context here.
Here's luck:
(in no particular order)
Winning the lottery.
Having your long lost great grandfather leave you a million dollars.
Living in a country at a time when there is NO war, NO terrible contagious disease sweeping the land and NO tyranny that constantly threatens your very existence and the existence of your children.
Finding and marrying the love of your life.
Finding the perfect pair of jeans at 70% off.
Finding long lost chocolate in the back of the freezer after a long day.
Here's NOT luck:
Choosing to forgo the new house, the new clothes, the new car.
Choosing to wear OLD clothes, shop at second-hand shops for the babies instead of some to-die-for-cute kid's clothing store, saving to buy a little house that needs massive elbow grease, letting go of a social life that costs too much, throwing that Pottery Barn mag in the garbage instead of letting it make you feel sorry for yourself, centering your head so that you DON'T let the feelings of envy when seeing friends your age get those new clothes, new houses, new cars, fancy vacations get you down, trusting one day that hard work will pay off,
AND MAKING THE CHOICE, THE SACRIFICE,
that above all else,
YOU will be the one who,
on a daily basis:
Wipes your child's bottom 10 times a day or sits in the smelly bathroom with them while they are scared to poop.
Takes a walk in all kinds of weather when only fresh air will sooth the fussies.
Smiles with LOVE IN YOUR EYES at them all day long.
Cleans the floors they crawl on.
Makes sure their bath water is just right.
Plays blocks or trains or reads their favorite book 100 times a day.
Understands that "ba dood wan lye" means "I pinched my finger in the cupboard".
Knows that staying up 5 minutes past naptime = major break down.
Smooches their neck rolls.
Loves the smell of their neck rolls.
SOMETIMES THAT ALSO MEANS:
Not feeling "fulfilled" or that you are "living up to your real potential or earned degree".
Being bored out of your stinkin' mind.
Feeling lonely.
Feeling envious.
Feeling like you might never "catch up" with the your peer group.
Letting go of that "happy-go-lucky" feeling of having more than enough money, and adopting that "we have to watch every cent" feeling that adds a little stress to your marriage.
To me, it's been worth it a million times over.
If you choose to do something else with your days, or made different decisions in your life when your children were born, please don't call me "lucky".
If you DO consider me lucky, you might want to think about making different choices, and magically become "lucky" yourself.
I've found most girls who decide to become "lucky", never regret giving up the new car, the new house, the new clothes, the nice vacations.
In fact, they often find they wish they would have become "lucky" a long time ago and realize how much they missed before they got "lucky".
Just a little P.S.:
I realize that for some mothers, even with incredible sacrifice, certain circumstances dictate they must be away from home, although they yearn for the opposite. I also know that many mothers have worked out creative scenarios to be able to be at home the majority of the time, and still bring in some income just to "get by"...we are good at this, aren't we?
Priorities, not luck...that is what this post is about.
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71 comments:
thank you!
i am one of the lucky ones - found my love of my life AND the perfect pair of jeans, although not at the same time!
and i am also one of those who chose to be 'lucky'. its naptime, so i'm online, getting my fix of 'the world out there'. after naptime comes dinnertime and everything my two kids can throw at me until bedtime.
it is really a choice to be where i am. and i am priveleged to be able to make that choice.
ps: i love your blog. :D
I am so impressed with what you gave up and I'm sure it's been worth it. Sometimes it's difficult to appreciate other people's positions and what they have sacrificed, thanks for reminding us to think before we speak.
I think your first house is so cute! It's also a pretty decent size, I think it looks like a great place for kids to be. We are currently in a tiny flat - hope we can move somewhere nicer before we try to start a family.
Hopefully one day I will be able to be a stay at home mum too. I think so many people under-estimate the value of that time spent with kids.
I too chose to sacrifice and stay home when my three were little. I would not trade it for the world. We rented our home, I was without a car for a while, and there were days that I longed for a vacation....but mine are now, 28, 29 and 31 and I can HONESTLY say it is one of the things I am most proud of in my life. I too had lots of people tell me I was lucky to stay home with them....while they owned their homes, drove nice cars and took vacations. I wasn't LUCKY, I was BLESSED.
Disclaimer....I know there are a few who truly sacrifice and yet can't make ends meet if they stay home. To them, I am truly sorry.
We call it Blessed & are so thankful that we've been able to do the things that we do for our children.
Enjoy your Wednesday.
Amen!
Thanks. I needed that.
Sarah- friend, you said it. A younger Mom one time, who worked while she had small children, said that to me. I was able to say, I'd made choices, tough one's like you described.
I've found the jeans(just the other day in-fact at the thrift store) & 'won' the crap-shoot of dating,to find an incredible man, who tolerates me(lol). I'd say in a romantic way, I'm lucky, but the choices I made were also deliberate & often challenging. Thanks for putting it out there. I will more happily wipe the fanny & interpret the babble today, with this encouraging post in my memory bank!
I also relate to that 'accumulated stuff'from before. I remember buying a Dooney-Bourke wallet a week before my wedding, almost knowing it was a final purchase of my soon-to-be former life. I knew kids would be coming soon, and that we'd be saving up for my dropping out of the paid workforce.
Great post! I know how blessed I am to get to stay home with my girls right now.
Love it! And yes, I get told I am so lucky to stay at home with the girls too. Sometimes I tell those who say that to me...it is the hardest job I have ever had in my life, without the pay! I feel blessed and that is what I like to tell people...and the other thing they say I am lucky for...twins! I don't agree with that one either...again blessed with twins.
Enjoy your day!
Great post! this has been on my mind a lot lately--when I left my job to stay home with my kids (really I only worked about a year with my 1st) some women (that they were women is especially annoying) I worked with actually said "I can't believe you're wasting your education/degree to stay home," needless to say investing all my time on two human lives that I chose to bring into this world is the most noble and worthy thing, I believe, anyone can do--to call is a waste is not only inaccurate, ignorant and insulting but speaks to a bigger problem.
The sad reality is children, families, the Stay-at-home mom are not valued in our society--and the irony is, most of the social problems we face now, pornography, violence, etc etc..are all linked to the breakdown of this most essential family unit.
P.S. I heart you big time.
You should read this quote..Hope you don't mind me linking to it..(you can erase it)
http://www.homeschoolstylebytes.com/home/2009/8/19/curriculum-for-life.html
So stinkin true... I must pass this along to my other "lucky" friends. It is definitely a choice and I am so glad I have not missed one thing, not one thing in raising my girls. While my youngest will soon be starting school for the first time, I am excited for the new adventure of "free time" (Seriously,what is that?)I am sad to say goodbye to those difficult times. A lot of hard work and great memories came out of that time and now it is gone! Boo hoo...
Thanks for always telling it like it is. Fabulous!
Ugh...I feel a pit in my stomach because I know I've said something similar in the past. My background: I work full-time but have the perk of "working from home" on T,TH and keeping my kids at home with me. Now, my babies are 2 1/2 years and 8 months, so I know that you ALL know how much "work" actually gets done on those days. Lord, help me!! My husband has a reliable, steady job (thank God, given these times) but not something lucrative enough for me to stay home even if we only had one vehicle and I cut corners to the best of my abiliies. Believe me, I've worked and re-worked the numbers hundreds of times. Thank you, "Love Being A Nonny" for the disclaimer!!!
I love your blog, Sarah, and I read it everyday although I am not listed as a "follower". But today when I read, I felt bad. Number 1, that I have said something that possibly hurt someone's feelings (or pissed them off) and number 2, that I read and felt ashamed for working my butt off to provide for my family AND to try to put in QUALITY time with my children too, all while driving a newer car. (Which by the way - my commute is 106 miles per day. Can't transport my kidlets in a car that is going to crap out on the side of the road.)
Bottom line - lucky is the wrong word. Blessed is good. Happy, maybe? I am HAPPY for you that you are a stay-at-home mom. I KNOW how difficult it is!!!! But PLEASE, SAHM's everywhere, don't be pissed at me for misspeaking. Please support me, too, for trying to do the best I can for my family, in my own way. And don't hate me for having new shoes (from cheap online distributor) or a newer car (which is NOT a Lexus, Mercedes, Volvo, Audi or ANTHING OF THE LIKE!).
Amen, and amen! I am staying home with my kids for the first time and they are 7 & 9. Many years of prayer to get here, could of been sped up by choice. So thankful, I'm here now and appreciate the reminder to relish every moment. However, I will say snagging my hubby would not be luck or choice...simply God's gift to me! I'm a blessed girl and it sounds like you are too! Love, love, love your blog!
I love this post!
I started staying home with my two year old in Feb. and there have been times where money was WAY tight.
I think it is more then worth the sacrifices to be able to stay home with my precious girl, but it is hard to stay focused and not be envious.
Thank you for this post!
As my favorite teacher used to say, "We are our choices". That always stuck with me.
Here's my spin on luck and redefining sacrifice:
After assuming my entire life that I would be a stay-at-home mom, I came to discover that we would not have biological children. Soon after that, I came to realize that adopting typically costs somewhere between $18-$32k, each and every time.
At that point, I chose to sacrifice my dream of being a SAHM so that we could find a way to finance our family.
As luck would have it, a wonderful person took a chance and offered me a job that I was mostly unqualified for, while living in DC. Then, when my husband's job moved us right back to IN, my boss shopped me around, finding me the perfect position, which would allow me to work from home, part-time.
Less than one year later, we adopted our first. Less than one more year later, we adopted #2. And now, 2 years later again, we are adopting #3. We bring them home to our old farm house, in our 1996 Ford Explorer. No way could we do this w/o my income.
Even luckier - My sister-in-law, who lives one mile down the road, wipes their hineys for me two days a week while I work.
I will never regret sacrificing my "dream" for these precious kiddos. And I'm positive that my job has not caused them to feel neglected, unloved or insecure.
I understand what all of you SAHMs are saying, and I more or less agree with it. Just remember, we are not cookie-cutter people with cookie-cutter lives.
Great post!
This post just made my day. It has given me a lot to think about. I'm a "blessed" SAHM, not lucky. Just blessed. The choices we make define us. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't stayed home and changed every diaper and and kissed every little boo boo. However, I know that it doesn't make me mother of the year either. Yet, when the day is done, I know my kids and my kids know me. In the end that's all that matters...making the most of our time together.
What a great way of articulating something most people don't really think about or 'can't put their finger on.' I saw this recently with a friend who is moving to another state to 'get' to stay home...discounting the fancy cars etc they had in the previous state...!
I was an education major in college and worked in day care during those years. At nineteen I knew I could never put my future children in childcare. I love this post. I was always insulted by those types of comments. I would sweetly reply, " it's not luck. I choose to sacrifice the big house, etc." Then I would offer to "talk" about my choice if they were interested. The worst insult was a friends husband who said too bad that SHM potential could not be tapped to benefit the school. I just looked at him and invited him to a PTA meeting. Clueless!
You are so right! I've been home with my twins since birth. I had them two months after I graduated with my Bachelors Degree. I too know what it's like not to get to take the vactaion or spend the extra money on something I really want. It's been hard at time but always, always rewarding. Also on the stinky bathroom thing, I so hear you. Thanks for the great post.
Thank you. I've been reading your blog for a little while and am daily inspired by your insight and love of motherhood. In short, it's been a hard road for me and I only have a 2-year old little boy. But, we are young, struggling and I'm refusing to go back to work. Which in turn means daily sobbings out of fear about our financial status, not feeling like a good enough mother, wife and daughter and not knowing what tomorrow will bring. What I do know is that spending my days with my son is the most important thing, knowing that it will be me who teaches him the things he needs to know in this life makes me so happy. Watching him sleep (still!) is one of my biggest joys and when he says "luz you mama" it makes it all worth it.
Thank you. Thank you for this post, it more than helped answer a prayer!
What a great post. I have been at home with our three girls since the oldest was born in 2001. I was twenty then. My husband started law school the following year. He worked weekends, vacations and summer while he was in law school. Our kids have never gone without anything, although we have sacrificed a lot of things some of our double income family friends would not have(vacations, new cars, big houses, expensive clothing). I get annoyed when people I know say that they would "love to but just can't afford to stay at home with their kids". I think there are very few families that truly " can't afford" to stay at home. Mostly, its a choice. One I am sure I will never regret.
One of the BEST posts you have ever written!!!! Thank you for defining "luck" to all those who wish to call it that. Thirteen years ago my hubby and I made a choice for me to stay at home. It was the best decision we ever made. Now three kids later I feel blessed to pick them up from school, make their lunches, work in their classrooms and the only thing I feel "lucky " about is not being a prisoner to payments and stuff. Thanks for your wise words when it comes to being a stay at home mom!!!
Have a wonderful day!
Oh my goodness! I LOVE this post. I've struggled for years on how to answer this question b/c I chose to stay home with our kids when my hubby was a grad student and post doc and we never made more than $3000/mo! Brilliant response!
Thank you for writing this! It's funny how people can stick their feet in their mouths without meaning to.
We're in the process of trying to start a family and my husband will be staying at home with the kids one day. I think it is well worth the sacrifice, and I'm glad we're going to do it. It's nice to have this as a primer for what to say when we're accused of being "lucky".
Well, I couldn't have said it any better myself. It's all about sacrificing. I'm glad I did. I wouldn't change a thing! In fact, there are SO many ways women can make money by staying home these days, just have to be creative. Thanks! Kim
AMEN!
I also don't believe in luck except for the types of examples you listed. One very important part of your description is lacking in your post: husbands/fathers. There are many kinds: those who make enough to support many children, a home, private school, laptops and vacations, those who are unemployed, those who are ill/disabled and cannot work, and those who have careers in non-high-paying jobs.
I do get the "you are lucky" comment and standing up for yourself when one hears that can be applied to many areas. For example, I have had three glorious non-medicated births (perhaps a controversial subject as is staying home vs. not staying home with children)and I hear "you are so lucky". I researched and made choices about my caregiver and my mind and my body to put me in the best position for my goal.
Amen! Thank you for this post. I have been told time and again that I am so lucky to stay home ..by my friends who have huge houses and new cars. I would love to borrow this and put it on my blog with a link to yours. Would that be ok?
Girl, did you hit the nail on the head with this post! I also get so mad when someone says I'm lucky to stay home. And you just can not explain to them that it's a choice you've made, and it's not easy, blah blah blah.
I may feel lucky, blessed, etc., but please don't tell me I'm lucky! For all the reasons you've stated, it's a sacrifice every day but just like having my kids in the first place, I wouldn't change it at all.
And I'm glad to know other SAHM's don't always feel fulfilled! It's true, we don't, but we're still here.
And for Triana, "good luck" to you! We struggle all the time financially, too. I so often say to my husband, "...but it just seems NORMAL for kids to have new clothes from (fill in blank cute catalog name) because everybody elses kids do..." or "...it just seems NORMAL to take a vacation to (fill in dream family destination) because so-and-so and so-and-so did..."
But then we both remember, we're not "normal", if there is such a thing. Choosing to stay at home with kids is a pretty counter-cultural thing to do right now. But it's also a wonderful choice! I hope you can continue to do so, Triana.
Both my husband and I sometimes fall into the trap of thinking I should maybe get a job, but then we realize all the OTHER sacrifices that entails. And I don't even know what I want to do at this point, and I feel so busy "just" being a mom even though the kids are getting older, and...It's not time yet. Parenting teen-agers is a full-time job, too.
Sarah,
This is one of the best posts ever. I agree wholeheartedly, and while this summer the green monster was showing its' face while I longed for a nice vacation and bigger home, I really appreciate that I stay home with my kids. I will do all those daily tasks with a more joyful heart now!
Thanks!!
Thank you for this. I have emailed this post to myself to read on days where I am told I am lucky, or else am feeling unlucky. Choice is such an interesting gift. Luckily we mostly make the right ones for us.
Well said. Well said. Well said.
Love this, love your blog. To the girls that have said it - you're right, we're not cookie cutter. I've never been offended by that statement though I've heard it plenty. I do still love your definition and description of what we are. The time, ANY time, you get with your babies is more of a blessing than pair of new shoes will ever be. That I think we can all agree on.
Teared up on this one. I am a SAHM and we just bought our first home. It is a fixer-upper for sure, and it will also take MUCH elbow grease to make it pretty. But, I would rather live in it than a brand new dream home if it means I get to be with my kiddos. SO SO SO worth the sacrifice. The alternative is a sacrifice too great, in my opinion!
This post couldn't have come at a better time. I struggle with this myself (trying to curtail the envy of keeping up with the Jonses)! Just the other day as I was tucking my daughter into bed the night before she started 4th grade she asked me, "What do I tell the teacher if she asks me what I did this summer? We didn't go on any big vacations like Kate or Rachel, we just went to little places." My heart sank a little but I had to remind her again that we were together as a family this summer and were fortunate enough to have relavites come and visit us, and to be able to travel locally and visit some new places, and swim with friends, and go to the park, etc. I had to remind her again that her daddy and I made a choice, in order for me to stay at home, we had to cut back on lots of things, lavish vacations being one of them, a house with a pool (which everyone has around here!), etc. etc. etc. But, that I had the glorious job of being with her and her sister (who is 2 years old) every day, all day. Although like Sara said, it's a lot of darn work, can be boring and lonely, it's the choice I've made because all the other hassles and problems fade in comparasion to the small little things that brighten my day, even for just brief moments as long as my eyes are open to them. It makes it all worth it. Besides, can any of us even remember lavish vacations we took as kids anyway, even if we did get the chance? I told my older daughter that she wouldn't remember a trip to Hawaii anyway, but she'll always remember how she FELT as she saw me and her sister waving to her as she got off the bus afterschool! Love this post ... amen to you.
Hear! Hear! As a mom who "got lucky", and recently went back to work (kids ages 12 and 10), working a job that is "beneath my skills" so that I can still put them on the bus and get them off, and be home with them for all school vacations, I am grateful to hear not only your voice, but those of others echoing the sentiment. I am lucky to have access to the fantastic internet tool connecting me to a network of women with similar values. Thanks for putting it out there!
thanks for this post. i needed it today. you are so right. i love your blog. you are an awesome lady!
Aw shucks...I made it on Clover Lane!!! Great post Sarah. You hit the nail on the head. You and I talked about that last year and I still feel the same way. No regrets.
Rosie
This is a great post, but know that there are a ton of moms who work and don't have dream houses, dream cars, etc. My husband and I both teach and really like our jobs, but my kids wear hand me downs and old navy and the only vacations we go on is when our wonderful parents take us.
I have a friend who is a SAHM, drives a brand new suv, lives in a beautiful large house, and has absolutely no financial worries because her husband makes plenty. Do my friends and I call her lucky....um, yeah. Do my other friends say I'm lucky because I get to stay home in the summer...yes, they do and they are right- I am. Every good parent makes sacrifices- both the working and the stay at home. Jennifer
great post!
Well said! Just like you and your cousin I am a SAHM, but this decision was made after much consideration, many discussions, and even more sacrifices. I would not change it for one second of big houses and new cars and maids/nanies/etc.
And no, I do not consider myself lucky,... I consider myself blessed. Blessed that the Lord has filled my heart with contentment (I do have my weak moments every now and then)and my husband and I have absolutely no desire to keep up with anyone around us.
You can keep the big cars, the designer clothes and accessories and the huge houses (which I probably could not keep clean anyway), and I will keep the priviledge that is staying home with my children and enjoying being together (even if it does get repetitive and lonely and exausting at times).
What a fantastic post! :) It really encouraged me. :) Thank you!
This is a GREAT Post! I linked to it on my blog.
Thanks
Sure needed that today! Great post! Thanks for the encouragement! :)
I have this problem with some people in my life in general...not just about me being a sahm, but about the things that we do/have. It's all about choices...we take a family vacation every other year (usually to someplace warm as we live in WI)...however that is our choice and unlike the people judging me for that choice, we have also made the choice to not replace the couches we bought before we were even married 12 years ago, we have not remodeled our kitchen (or any other part of our home), we drove one car (as a 3 person family while i was working) for years, and the adults in our house make do with the clothes we have. It can be hard, but you just have to realize that you have made these choices and own them (as you said...don't feel bad about not being able to shop the Pottery Barn catalog. As for the ones passing judgement...sadly, they will never get it (and they obviously aren't happy with their choices either)! :-(
I hear what you are saying.
And my real wish is for this debate to be over with.
Us woman are so critical of each other.
Can’t we all just agree that we each make our own choices. Weather we are “lucky” or not is all very subjective.
I think half the time us woman don’t realize what comes out of our mouths and we shouldn’t take everything so literately.
I work 4 days a week, my husband works four days a week and my daughter is with a caregiver 3 days a week. This is a choice that we made (husband and I), this is our choice, not just mine. We both are making sacrifices. And I realize not everyone is lucky to have that option.
Father’s are often left out of this debate, I think sometimes my husband is the better stay at home parent. I think we need to give more credit out there to the Dad’s. How in recent years, the role of Dad has expanded. And I am lucky to have a husband who is a very hands on Dad.
My daughter is 2 and I often wonder how I will explain this great debate to her. I plan on letting her know that she has choices. If she wants to stay at home with her children, fine, if she wants to be President, fine. I would raise a son the same way. I wouldn’t tell my kids that pursuing a career and having kids would make them bad parents.
That’s all I’m saying.
Thank you for this post. We decided that I would be the "lucky" one to stay home as soon as our second was born. He was born in January and I have spent many months now crying over feeling selfish about staying home and not having the money that we used to to buy our kids all the fun things we were able to do before. We are just so strapped with bills and money and its such a hard thing to even think about right now. You have to get the small package of diapers because you can't afford the big one until pay day. I have started making myself clothes because I don't know when the last time was that I was able to go shopping for myself. I have been making everything I can to save us money, clothes for the kids, baby food, corn dogs, chicken nuggets, breads, growing veggies and fruits in our garden to make things with. But even with all these tears and feeling envious of my friends going on trips and getting the new things, I am so fortunate to have been home for every 1st that my son has had. I haven't had to hear about it over the phone, I get to live it. I had to work for almost 2 years after my daughter was born and I hated every second of it. Thank you for this post. I have found comfort in this and knowing that I am not the only one to feel a little irritated when people call me "lucky". This is a choice. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. -Kelsee
Thanks! As someone who will soon be making the switch from working full-time outside the home to becoming a stay-at-home Mom, this was good to hear. I know it will be a sacrifice financially but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm so excited to be a full time Mom!!
I always bristle a little when someone tells me how lucky I am to get to stay home. The last person who said this to me was wearing an expensive outfit, driving a brand new SUV, and had just purchased a duplex to rent out for income. I had to bite my tongue. Hard.
It has been an incredible financial sacrifice for me to stay home for most of the last five years. I now work on-and-off for a temp agency, because I have to bring in some income. I don't feel guilty about working, and I am trying to get a full-time job now that my youngest is in school.
I've been on both sides of it, because I worked full-time with my first. It's a choice every woman has to make for herself and her family, but I think both sides need to be wary of judging the other. I think there are more people who could afford to stay home if it's what they REALLY wanted. They just have to understand that it is a huge sacrifice. But it's a huge sacrifice to miss time with your kids, too, if you're working.
You definitely can't have it all. Like you said, it comes down to priorities.
You've been reading my mind again. Or peeking through my windows! ;) I couldn't have said it better.
Food for Thought:
Having been a stay at home mom, and now being a working mom – I’ve been on both sides of the fence. The grass isn’t greener on either side, it is simply different. In many cases, including mine, choosing to be a working mom is what is best for the family. It isn’t always because the mom wants the “finer things in life”.
My friend emailed me this post, probably not remembering my recent life change of going to work. I couldn’t help but comment after reading this because I really felt the need to explain that working moms do the things listed in the post too. It seemed to stereotype working moms as to making a choice to work so they can live in extravagance. SOOOO not the case! Many double income families are still struggling financially, and it isn’t because they have to dish out more money for the “new house, the new clothes, the new car”. Many working moms don’t have any of those things. We also “choose to wear OLD clothes, and shop at second-hand shops”. Believe me when I tell you that my house needs some elbow grease too. With this economy, my husband’s business isn’t enough to support our family - I wish that I could stay home, but we cannot make ends meet without my income right now. Sacrifice happens on both sides of the fence.
When I get home from work, I’m usually exhausted, but still find it in me to spend quality time with my 3 kids. Working moms still change diapers, give baths, read stories, do the laundry, etc… The need to clean the house and care for your children doesn’t magically disappear when we go to work.
Perhaps the word “luck” was used incorrectly – a better word, in my opinion, would be “blessed” to have the option to stay home.
This is a beautifully written post and I agree with many of your observations but I think that it is sad that so many mothers are judged by those that stay home.
I think we need to be very careful about putting every working mother in the category of “choosing material things” over their children. Yes there are those that do that and yes it is wrong but I would venture to say that these are definitely not the majority of working mothers. I married a wonderful man who is a teacher and has been teaching in our community for about 14 years. Each year we are inundated with invitations to wedding, parties, and graduations etc of former students who have been inspired by my husband through the years. After mothers pack up their children and send them off to school so they can have that much needed break it is teachers like him that are inspiring and teaching their children and unfortunately at a grossly underpaid salary (that’s a whole different topic for another day). Although, we have lived in the same modest house for the last 10 years and still drive the same cars and pinch and save with the best of them there is just no way that we can provide healthcare, food, and shelter -notice there is no mention of designer clothing or lavish vacations – for our family of 5 on a salary of 30K a year. I know there are some that may be able to do this but we both also come from very large families so there is absolutely no help financially from in laws etc. and the cost of living in our hometown is not low. With all of this considered I have had to make a choice as well. And it’s not about material things or being at home with my children, because there is no choice in that matter for me! So my choice is how to make the best of the situation I have been given. For me that means taking a decrease in my salary and essentially putting my career on hold so that I can have a job that has flexibility to allow me to be as involved as possible. I still wipe my children’s butts and read the same stories one hundred times a day and guess what I also pack my child’s lunch and pick him up every day from school. But it also means that my youngest will spend time with his grandmother throughout the week so I can earn the rest of the money that is essential for my families’ survival. Also, my husband and I have made a choice that I think is often overlooked. While he could have looked for a second job to supplement our income we both choose to have him present in our family. This means that he is home everyday after school with the kids and spends the entire summer and school breaks home with us as well. No late nights at the office or long trips away from the family so that one parent can be home. So although my children may have a mom that works during the day, I hope that one day they will see that both of their parents were highly involved in their childhood and always sacrificed to be there for them and for that I am lucky! To each his own – let’s encourage each other and not judge - we aren't always given the same choices to make.
lisa
well this post slapped me with a little bit of reality (much needed slap, by the way.)
Thank you for your honest view.
God Bless
I, too, am a working mom. While I admire those that chose to stay at home, that is not for everyone. I am a special needs teacher. If all moms stayed home, exactly who would teach your children? I can tell you whole heartedly that I became a better teacher after I had children. Each day I'm making a difference in the lives of my students. Also, many of my stay and home friends tend to take their time with their children for granted. I make use of every single minute I have with my kiddos during the school year because I realize just how precious that time is. We live modestly. I work because I believe in making a difference in this world! I touch the lives of kids. I love those that some see as "unlovable." This is my God-given gift/calling. I think it is important to realize every situation and person is created differently. God uses us all in different ways. Do my children know their mommy loves them? Most definitely. I'm not doing a disservice by sending them to my sister's for daycare while I"m at school. My children are wonderful little beings as I"m sure yours are. Just some food for thought...
Yes, can we please start “encouraging each other and not judge” Let’s face it, we are all sitting around a computer, probably with high speed internet access, which in most parts of the world would be considered lavish.
And I’m sure the words “you are lucky” have been slipped from my mouth to a SAHM and I never meant for them to imply that I didn’t think they worked hard for everything they do for their family. It was probably just a bad day at the office. I’m working now (flex schedule) and I have also stayed at home. And I have a great respect for all Moms that can make it work, one way or the other.
I do drive a nice car (provided by my company) and wear nice clothes because I serve clients. Do we go on nice vacations – sometimes. I have won trips through my company. So it’s important to understand the circumstances. We stay within a budget and often shop at outlets, rather than expensive malls. My daughter often wears second hand clothes from her cousins and we opted to get her a knock-off American Doll at Target verses the real thing. What extra money we do have from having two incomes goes into a college savings account.
I think if we took 5 minutes to talk to that Mom who said “you are lucky” we would understand why she said it. I’m positive she didn’t mean any disrespect by it.
Could our family survive on one income, probably. But it would be hard and too risky and stressful for us right now. My husband has changed career paths to follow a dream, which also allows him to be at home more often. So you see, some people would considered us “lucky”, but we work hard too. And believe me, I still clean the floors and I know what the temperature of the bath water should be (so does my husband).
Let’s stop being pissed off at each other.
Ann
needed to hear this/be reminded. thanks
a little late... hey, I was on a business trip for work. i love this blog, have been a reader for a while, although I am not signed into Blogger/Google, so it may appear anonymous.... I am not hiding. :P
I do want to say - great thoughts everyone.
If I were to be a SAHM, I would feel lucky. Even if that meant second-hand clothes, no eating out ever, and crazily watching the budget (which I do anyway... Dave Ramsey, anyone?). I would still feel lucky. I think it's a sweet endearment, and in no way a put down.
I work full time (plus some) in a demanding position for a large bank. Once I am done working, I do all the things mentioned in the post. I have three kids (14, 10 and 2)...
I am lucky... I get to work from home. It's a tad bit hard at times, especially during the summer when the older kids wanted my full attention. I've had to teach them to be mindful of my conference calls and my "i hate Excel" game face. I've had to balance meetings and "taxi" rides. I've had to balance deadlines and dirty diapers. I do want to mention that in order to get the majority of my work down during the day, my two year old goes to daycare/preschool 3 days a week... My husband is home with him (us) on Thurs. and Friday's. I still feel lucky.
On top of all that...I am going to school for my MBA. I am lucky regarding that also.
I think any time we get to do what we want and love in life - we are lucky. My feeling lucky is just a big ol' Pie Chart, each slice of the pie represents all the things in my life that I do and feel lucky about.
Sarah, I think you are so lucky for having the cutest kids ever! :) And a fantastic blog, to boot!
I love your blog and this topic you bring up. I too am a SAHM and recently commented on another blog. The blogger after being married for 6 years, finally became pregnant (difficulty) and is now 20 weeks pregnant and stated that she and husband have found a daycare provider. I commented that it bothers me to see people wait to have children (due to difficulty or choice) and then want someone else to raise their children. Needless to say I got slammed by alot of the blogger's followers saying that mothers can do it all. I must say...I don't think so...either you suffer, your house suffers, your spouse suffers, your job suffers, or your children suffer. YOU CAN NOT DO IT ALL!!!!!!!!!! I don't want anyone commenting saying you can. Let's get real people! I think people who lash out at SAHM feel guilty for neglecting their kids. I have even been told that they wouldn't want to stay home even if they had the option because of some need to feel valued as a working mom. I don't care whether you stay home or work...whatever decision one makes they have to answer to themselves and their own family. I do feel sorry for the mother's that don't have a choice in today's economy and have to work to put food on the table. I do understand that my situation along with every SAHMs position could change due to a loss of stability/income our spouses provide.
In 1971 when all my friends were becoming "liberated women" I chose to stay home when our son was born. Understand: I discussed this prior to marriage & my husband agreed.
I never took a full-time job until our son graduated.
Not one regret.
TV's wear out. New sofas get stains. Cars break down. Jobs come and go.
Children are forever....
Choice. Not luck. I agree!
This is my first time reading your blog and while I'm normally a blog "lurker", I felt compelled to comment on this post. I'm a SAHM by choice, definitely not luck. We make a lot of sacrifices for this to happen and we do struggle financially because of our choice. That said, it has been the best choice we have ever made. I know without a doubt that I will look back on these years with no regrets. After all, my children are only little once.
I think it's common for moms to judge one another's choices because we're so desperate to believe that we've made the BEST choice. At any rate, I didn't see, Sarah, that you were judging anyone, just making note of the incongruity of one particular working mother's comments on your luck versus her choice. I've heard similar comments from moms who work outside their homes and tell me: "Oh, I'd love to be able to stay at home with the kids, but we just couldn't afford it..." and I've given a few (unwelcome?) suggestions on sacrifices they could be making in order to make that happen, occasionally, only to have someone nearly recoil in horror to learn my children eat store-brand cereal and wear clothes we've purchased at garage sales. :)
I do know that it's absolutely necessary for some families to have both parents working full time in order to provide basic necessities for their children: shelter, food, healthcare. But an annual trip to Disney isn't a basic necessity. Buying your child's wardrobe at Gymboree is not a basic necessity. Getting your hair highlighted every 6 weeks is not a basic necessity. Spending a fortune on babysitters so that parents can go out with friends every weekend is not a basic necessity. Not saying any of these things are WRONG, either, just that it's a matter of choice. And even for the families with both parents working full time who are still barely getting by without the luxuries, too, I still think it's a matter of choice. I applaud the (underpaid) teachers, but they chose that profession - or chose to marry and have children with someone in that profession. It's all about the choices we make, not luck at all. Luck is our children's good health. Luck is being born in a country where these choices are an option for us.
So, I guess I don't see that there was really much to 'debate' about your post. It seems the ones who are judging or getting defensive are probably the ones who are least secure about the choices they've made.
Priorities or Luck? That's a very simplified view point. A few commenters have called it being "blessed". If only it were that simple! I am one of those people who will tell a SAHM mom that she is LUCKY - because she is and I know it! All of our clothes come second hand, our cars are old and paid for, our home leaks and cracks but keeps us safe and warm. We pay a full tithe and attend our church faithfully. If others are blessed to stay home - are you saying that I'm cursed not to? My life is simply different than yours is all.
My child was born with a serious congenital defect in her heart - this combination has never been seen before and is beyond repair. Her care, hospitalizations and surgeries are horribly expensive. Many times we've reached points where we could pay the doctor or our bills. Our vehicles and house are old and require lots of repairs. We don't vacation. We only travel to see family. But - my priorities are exactly where they need to be; with my family and my daughter's health.
Don't be so quick to judge others. You ARE lucky.
~vee
I love your blog. Sadly, this post made me feel very guilty and judged. I have a very successful career which started well before I had children. I have two children now - ages 7 and 4 and I work 2 days a week (usually from home). We have a nanny who watches my children maybe 10 hours a week. For my part time work, I make 2 to 3 times as much as my husband (and he makes over $100K/year). Yes, lucky to be in the right place at the right time to get my career started on a great path..lucky for sure. But there are many things I wish, hope and pray for that I too, don't have. And I just wanted to quickly make a few points.
While I do think that some working mothers can be very judgemental--please, don't include all of us in the sweeping generalizations.
I choose to work a couple of days a week not for the money. We could easily live off my husband's salary. I choose to work because it's a part of me. It's who I am. It's my hobby, my identity. Just like you love to be home with your kids. You enjoy working on your house. You love to cook and make homemade meals for your children.
Not all of us women, sadly, are wired with these genes. I pray all the time that I will be satisfied and feel fulfilled and happy as a mother. I pray that I can enjoy my children and relish every moment of them like so many of you SAHMs do.
I remember when I stopped working full time 3 and a half years ago, I fell into a major depression--a part of me was missing. I had a huge staff of people who worked for me. I sat in executive meetings at our corporation. I made things happen at our company. I was helping change and revolutionize an industry. When I was home sitting there playing trains with my son, well... it was hard. I remember one day lying in the bathtub with no water running, fully clothed just sobbing. My daughter came upstairs and said "mommy, don't be sad...we can call daddy and he can come home and help you be happy." which, of course made me cry harder --why couldn't I just be happy being at home!?
Time has passed and I am learning to enjoy being home more and more...but it's still hard for me. I struggle all the time. So please, all the SAHMs PLEASE don't judge those of us who struggle every day to enjoy being home...enjoy cooking and cleaning, sitting and playing candyland 4 times in a row and listening to the same knock knock joke 30 times...basically all the hard things about being home--you all know what I'm talking about.
Because you know what? I RESPECT YOU! I RESPECT YOU ALL. I have a grave and serious admiration for your moral character. There is nobility in motherhood. There is honor in having the emotional and mental capacity to be home full time with your children.
xoxo, C
yes! so......I am planning on staying home...as a wife...and I am so frightened by the judgment I have already gotten. "What is she going to do if she doesn't work...go out and spend all his money?" No! I want to take care of our home, take care of my husband, create a place where I will be able to raise children. And it's not because I am lucky! It is because we are choosing to live this way...we are surrounding our lives around one income NOW...so that it will not be an issue in the future. This is wonderful...thank you!
A friend of mine shared this with me by email... I loved it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts....which are my thoughts excactly... 7 years ago I chose to stay home and be finacially poor....so that I could be blessed beyond my wildest dreams by my sweet little babies!!! It had nothing to do with luck!!
THANK YOU! I appreciate your reminding me about the "lucky to be at home" stuff. I do mope around about lack of funds. I was raised by a single mom who taught me how to work. Until the cardiologist told me that my girls would "over do" just like me - I had no intentions of ever staying at home without a side job. I still feel guilty about being "just a mom!" WHY? (and sorry for myself on occasion - when the budget is too tight). I turned 40 this year and realize that time flies (my kids are somehow already 16, 13, and 10). Women's Lib allowed me to get my engineering degree - but it also saddled the shoulders of women in my generation with WAY too much pressure. I HATED putting my kids in daycare while I worked (out of necessity - kids too young and student loans) and dreamed of being a stay at home mom. It is finally here - working for 10 years as a consultant out of the home was quite a chore - but the past 2 years I have been able to stay at home full time (no consulting)-trying to be the homemaker I don't know how to be - but figuring it out. Now, if I could only get the guilt to go away - I just have to remind myself that this is how it is supposed to be!! We are supposed to be at home with the kids!
Love how genuine you are in your posts.
I LOVE this post! I also gave up my income and job so I could stay home to raise our baby girl. :) We ended up having to sell our house because we couldn't afford it with one income and had to make major changes in our lifestyle and spending. Alot of the things you said I can relate to and it's great to be reminded it's sometimes hard but completely worth it!! :) Thanks!
There are some exceptions to the rule. I wish to be a SAHM but I have to put my son in daycare and work AND give up nice clothes, home & car because of my bi-polar spouse. I know that both kinds of moms (those who work outside the home and those who raise kids at home) work hard and I don't criticize either one...I cheer them all on which is what we all should do (in a perfect world).
It is hard to explain that when you choose to sacrifice your wants for what is more important to you--that it is not because of laziness or lack of ambition.
I love being my babies' world and I refuse to give that up to someone else. If Lucky is a matter of perception-then I am LUCKY too.
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