Last night I was up late, sitting in the easy chair, a sleeping baby on my lap, the TV on, and the laptop propped up on my legs (remember...my lap was already taken.) After reading NieNie, I got "stuck" blog surfing and ended up finding some amazing mom-photographer sites. Darn, I HATE when that happens! Here I am all proud of my Seaside photos I took of my children, and then I'm thinking, "I suck!" one minute later!I felt this little icky feeling creeping up in my throat as I peered into the lives of these women, juggling creative businesses, hobbies, travel, with small children. I don't know how to describe it...it's like all these little bits of ingredients that make up one awful tasting cookie. A little envy, a little frustration, a little amazement, a lot of appreciation for major talent, a little "whatever, who cares", a little "I want to know how to get a photo look like that!"...it's kind of that general "I could do that too, but alas" feeling. Envy is the main ingredient for sure. The butter, flour and sugar all rolled into one.
Do you know what I mean? Maybe I'm crazy. Pretty soon I feel like just permanently putting away my camera, creative ideas, my sewing machine, my blog!...whatever I'm comparing at the time, and just saying, "Forget it. If I can't do it the best, all the way...emerge myself fully in this, than just forget it."
I know if I had just one or two older kids it would be different. Maybe. But I CHOSE to have a large family. I LOVE my large family. I LOVE staying at home and not having any extraneous obligation outside my family. I wanted my chubby squishy baby I had at 38, more than I wanted to have a blossoming career or passionate hobby. But that baby (and previous babies) means this: I don't have a lot of time, or ANY time, to spend on being the best I can be at something else. I just don't. And that's hard for me...I am an ALL or NOTHING girl and I like emerge myself fully, passionately in what I'm doing, and what I'm doing right now is growing 5 wee souls into responsible adults.
And here's the truth. It might be a controversial truth, but the truth nonetheless. As a mother you walk a thin, thin, thin line between spending time with your kids and having a life "outside" your family. By "life" I mean work, hobbies, friends etc. And when one crosses over that line, it's no good. You can (should!) be able to know when you crossed your line. Your kids/husband/gut will tell you, in their behavior, their attitude, their rebellion. If you ignore that feeling, you all will pay the price. I tend to think the kids pay it the most???
Let me give you an example. I was on this cool business site/blog once, and this mom has 4 little, little ones. She had an awesome business going (and I'm sure still does.) Super creative, beautiful cool idea that she came up with. She had great talent. She was getting so popular with a couple of big plugs from some major decorating blogs. Fillings tons of orders, marketing and blogging, taking photos: she was doing it all and doing it well! But here's the thing: I was reading her blog and the more and more I read further, the more I thought, "What about your kids? Do you think all this is normal???" Now, I KNOW you are thinking I'm judgmental and mean. But as she talked about running her children here and there, a couple of them with special needs!, and the illness's, and big behavioral issues, and school problems, and doctor appointments, I thought, "Don't you realize most of this would all change if you just STOPPED this roller coaster you are on? I know that it's hard...money is rolling in, everyone LOVES you, personally I'm DYING over how cute these things are you are making and how great your business is going, BUT JUST STOP!!!! It's NOT worth it! Look at that little face there, and there and there and there!!!! They need you more than ever...there is no WAY, with all the help in the world you are pulling this off, and giving your best to your children! Do they look happy to you? Are they thriving? Are you doing THIS, mothering, the most important part of your life, well?"
Giving your best to your children...your family...that's what is comes down to.
I'm not saying that some moms don't do it (IT being juggling) well, or at least satisfactory. But I KNOW KNOW KNOW from 14 years of parenting and lots of experience that it's not what works for me, and it's not all as easy and happy and awesome as it looks on the outside for everyone else either. It's SELDOM as easy and happy and awesome as it looks. I just have to remind myself of that sometimes.
I'm not saying that some moms don't do it (IT being juggling) well, or at least satisfactory. But I KNOW KNOW KNOW from 14 years of parenting and lots of experience that it's not what works for me, and it's not all as easy and happy and awesome as it looks on the outside for everyone else either. It's SELDOM as easy and happy and awesome as it looks. I just have to remind myself of that sometimes.
When I was on vacation, I was relishing my time with my kids...no phones, sports, appointments, computer etc...I glanced at a paper Jeff had purchased and I saw this quote in big letters:
"The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence."
-Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Buddhist master
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33 comments:
First of all, I really appreciate that you are conflicted about blogging the same way I am, I think... I find myself kind of caught up in the whole comparison/popularity thing and it makes me personally want to stop blogging, because I do NOT want to get into all that and I hate that...yucky tasting cookie. Anyway, I was envious of your travelling with children and taking gorgeous pictures, so there :) Also, I totally agree with what you're saying about parenting. I'm VERY conflicted about the fact that I have to work to support my family (thankfully my kids are home with a parent, I just wish it was ME), and sometimes I find myself getting too involved in additional things that take time and energy away from my kids - I hope I've been able to stop when I realize I've crossed the line. I've quit several hobbies, social media, charity work, social obligations, etc. when I realized they were taking too much from my family. I don't ever want my kids to feel juggled.
Hands down, I absolutely agree with you. Mom's gotta be mom's 100% all of the time. God bless you!
I have so many thoughts on this subject...and now I'm stumped to find the right words. My local girlfriends who do a lot of the running around, running through the early yrs....have been telling me lately that I need something of my own, a hobby outside the home. The thing is...I LOVE spending my days playing, teaching, getting dirty, cooking dinner, decorating etc. Being a MOM is my thing...it's my hobby. These yrs are going to pass by. Also, things are not always what they seem....when we look at others lives. Thank you for writing this-I loved it.
Sarah, right on! I share all those feelings, too. Have you ever read the tear-jerker email about "building cathedrals"....that's what you are doing. (I'll try to find it.) Your work now is creating something that will take years to build.
As far as hobbies, etc, keep at it. I am totally jealous of your beautiful photos! Sometimes in life I feel I have to be the best at whatever I do. But there is always someone out there better. Guess what, there is always someone out there worse off, too. I know you are grateful for what you have, but it's the only way to keep things in perspective - to be thankful. I think, especially as moms, we will have many careers, so keep following your gut.
BTW, love your kitchen update!
As everyone has different outlooks on life it is always good to know your own and how you want to lead it. It is hard not to compare yourself to others or judge them for their decisions, however as long as you know you are doing what YOU want & what is best for the situation at hand then hopefully everyone is happy. I loved your post and I appreciate your take on life and family.
By the way- Very cute Spring updates!
I love the way you write. Love it. AND I'm jealous of your clean house and beautiful photos (but I think it's the "good jealous" that inspires me to try.)
I wanted to add....I love the photo's that you share. You have great style.
Your blog makes me smile! I have never met you, but you are one of the top 3 blogs that I read everyday! Thank you for your candor and honesty. You are an amazing mother and woman. "Having it all" doesn't necessarily mean having a career, children, husband, emmaculate home, luxury car etc...it means being grateful and appreciative of what we DO have and making the best with whatever situation we are in (I know you know that, I'm not preaching. I think you have a great balance in your life and I know you would be surprised at how many people (especially women) "envy" you! You are beautiful, charming, intelligent, healthy, have a beautiful family, handsome husband whom you obviously love and who loves you, gorgeous, healthy, happy children and depth of character...Keep blogging and thanks for the "cyber-friendship"
i completely appreciate this post...the past couple of months i have been struggling with a lot of the same issues...i definitely think that since i have started blogging and comparing my blog to others...my life to others...my girls to others...my simple point and shoot photos...my home/yard/job...my clothes...my creative abilities...i could go on and on, but i just find myself feeling completely inadequate, and while i feel that the blogging movement has been awesome in bringing millions of women together i also feel that it has pitted us against ourselves. outside of the cyber world i find that i 'juggle' my husband, girls, home and work fairly well. my family is for the most part a very happy one, and while because of my husband's job i am a single mother half the year i really don't think i would change anything about my life other than locationally where we live and i would love to fulfill my dream of going to cosmetology school, but the point of my rambling is that i as well as many others i am sure feel the same as you. however, i look at your blog and feel like you have it all together, beautiful healthy happy kids, great husband, beautiful home, and yes i even think you are a a great juggler, but you really tell it how it is being you, so please keep blogging because you are one who shows us the good and the bad of life as a mother and we definitely need more "keepin it real" blogs like yours!
I stumbled across your site a few weeks ago, and was hooked immediately. And this post is a perfect example of why. Thank you for cherishing your role as a mother, and for reminding us all of what is really important. I find myself in the same position many times, and always come back to the truth - being a mom (and a good one) is what I wanted, and it really is the greatest blessing I could ever ask for. Thanks for writing!
I agree with what commentor Brooke above says. I found your blog several weeks back and love your real-ness. I know what you mean about reading other people's blogs. In the few months that I have discovered reading blogs I have determined that all that what one sees--is not everything to be seen. For example, there is a blog written by a creative, beautiful mom of three children, with her own business that she is able to do because husband is gone a lot making money. But in reality she does not spend the quality time with her children in my opinion nor do adequate parental duties such as making sure they are bathed with teeth brushed each day. I am also a huge advocate of dads. If moms are out working and dads do a lot of the child-rearing, I think that is fantastic for the child. And if both work and make their family their number one priority I think that works fantastically well for everyone. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and all may not be as it seems from the outside.
I'm right with you. Last week was crazy for us (and we're not usually crazy) and last night we finally had some down time...my 2 year old grabbed my arm and said "aww Mommy" like he was back in his space...with me. There's nothing like being there for your kids. It's a hard balance but so worth it. Thanks for the words.
Well you have put into words how *I* feel when I see you beautiful photos and clean house!
I have felt the same way so many times...and I'm just starting out with 2 toddlers. I want to be everything-supermom. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on a big creative career. Thanks for putting things into perspective. I wouldn't miss being at home with my babies for anything. This is what I wanted to be when I grew up. PS I always think your pictures are amazing!
-Jill
I agree with you 110%. I have wondered the same thing when reading other blogs. I just wrote a post on this and linked you hope you don't mind. The pics of your vacation are amazing.
Dear Miss Sarah,
What I love about reading your blog is your willingness to excavate something out of that dark little corner that everyone has- at one time or another- in their heart.
Bravo and Ditto!
Laura ( a periodic victim of the 'if you have it, I must not syndrome')
whitespraypaint.blogspot.com
Hi Sarah, Thanks for the post today. I recently made a move from working part-time to running a private practice from home. That means less money, but so much more living! I enjoy your blog. You keep me motivated (I think my dining room set may see black in it's future!) and REAL. Thanks! :>
Amen sister. Well put.
I do love your blog and decorating.
I've always said that my girls will appreciate the time I have given them more than anything I could buy them.
I always wish my pictures were better. I just blame it on the camera. LOL
WOW....Your thoughts and feelings are so real and true...they are you, Sarah!! You know what you are doing as a mom is right...and it shows in your children, their personalities, creativities, willingness to help, love for others....on and on! Keep writing your thoughts and forget about the others....As for the photography...OMG!!! You are hired!!! I love ya...and glad you are back....See you soon!!! xoxo
It looks like you struck a nerve with this post. My friends and I were all talking about this recently. We were wondering how, or even IF, these 'perfect' moms do it all.
I love the internet, but I think it has hurt us, too. I used to be the crafty one in my family and circle of friends. I thought I was pretty creative, and people were always telling me I should sell my cakes. But lo and behold, I get online and EVERYONE is more creative than I am. And EVERYONE has professional cake decorating skills. It made me feel that I didn't have those special skills anymore.
It's really too bad. I do think moms, in their struggle to find some balance, have become imbalanced. Now the hobbies and talents come before the kids. I hate to judge, but I have a hard time believing you can do a good job raising your kids while running two businesses and decorating and entertaining and hanging out with your girlfriends.
Good post!
Your photos are gorgeous! They make me want to be there with my family, sandy toes and shorts.
Tami Cooper
Sarah, I think I love you. Seriously... sigh.
Everything about your blog ROCKS! Don't get discouraged....you're an inspiration to more moms than you'll ever realize. Keep on keeping on!
I forgot to say in my last comment that when I first saw your new blog banner, I felt a little jealous of YOUR photography skills and totally inadequate as the family photog.
See, it happens to all of us!
Great post Sarah! I bet so many feel the same comparing themselves to you...seriously. We all have felt it, so thanks for saying what we are all thinking. It is so hard to not compare. Now I am so curious to know who you are talking about.:) (email me.)
ps. you really are a great photographer. Your trip looked so fun!
i love this! i have four children and ran a great business for 8.5 years. it took me far too long to get over the pride i felt of having a successful business, and look into the faces of my children and realize where i was needed most. what was most important to me and to God.
when i get to heaven, he isn't going to tell me what a great job i did at running the store. i *want* him to tell me what a great job i did raising His children.
thank you for this post ... thank you for raising awareness on what really matters most in this world!
I love this post. I think we all have areas of insecurity. It is easy to find fault with yourself, especially when you are a perfectionist like me. I'm like you...either all or nothing. I tend to wear myself too thin (but not in the buttocks) with overcommitment.
I also agree about the mom thing. It's funny to hear some people's attitudes about motherhood. Growing up people would ask my friends and I what we wanted to be when we grew up. One wanted to be a brain surgeon, one a lawyer, one a business woman. They would ask me and I would say I wanted to be a mom. They would then say..."Well yeah, but what else do you want to be?" I then would say, "Is that not enough?" They gave me strange looks and moved on. I couldn't think of anything else I would want to do more than being a mom.
Thanks for the post!
Let me just start by saying that I understand where you are coming from. Here is another view point.
I work. I've been working since high school at the same place. I also found out I was pregnant my second semster of my senior year. Immediately my world changed. It wasn't playing with friends on the weekend, or running of to football/basketball games anymore. I was having a baby. My husband and I have been married for 9 years now. When I got pregnant I had a full time job. I had health benifits. I had paid leave. I was done with the academic part of school. My husband wasn't. After graduation he was working part time and going to school. I supported our new family. We didn't have much but it was enough to get by, barely. Since then both of us have found sucesful careers out of the home. My work is satisfying. We have been blessed to find baby sitters who if they weren't family, we're almost family. There have been members of the church that we have turned to. My husband and I have taken much thought in choosing who to trust those precious hours that my children will spend time with. Our most recent babysitter is a member and friend. She is a great mother, and if I'm being truly honest, my children are better off for having spent time with her. She has so much more patience than I do. She loves my children as her own and calls my son her son *she has three girls with another on the way* I have found someone that I can honestly say is the best person possible to nurture my children when I can't be there.
I would also like to point out the benifits. My children have had the opportunity to be exposed to different adults and children. They have learned how to share and communicate. They don't have separation anxiety. They get to explore foods, attitudes, and expectations that they might not see at home. It has been an amazing learning and growing experience for my children.
Yes, it's hard for me to leave my children with someone and go to work. But it's what I have to do for my family. I have cried many times over someone(my grandma at the time) being there while my children are learnign to crawl, walk, feed themselves, and talk. But let me share with you the pure joy of seeing the look on my child's face when I come to pick them up. To see, in plain view, how much they love me and how happy they are to see me. It makes that time away seem like not so much a burden. They don't forget me. They never stop loving me.
Your writing inspires me, makes me smile, feel better about myself and is just darn amazing! I quit my job 2 years ago to stay home with my children because I didn't want to miss out on thier lives. Some woman can work and are great mother's I was just not one of those people that could...I didn't feel like a good person when I worked. I praise those that can and understand those that need to or have to. It was a personal issue, but I agree whole heartedly with what you said about some mom's who forget about thier kids - my biggest issue is woman that have kids because they are cute (crazy huh). For someone that took 6 years to have kids I don't want to miss a moment. I find myself comparing my parenting and skills all the time but than I read posts like this or other peoples struggles I feel blessed to know I am not alone - thank you!
This is exactly what I have been trying to articulate within my own mind these past few months. WELL SAID!!!!!!!
I identify totally with the never-feeling-good-enough feeling. It's a rude wake-up call to realize that so many people will never appreciate what an amazing person I am!
i make those cookies too! :)
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